Or would that make me sound crazy?

This drug. I think it’s this drug. I feel so blah. I feel so plain. I mean I ‘m not angry all the time. I feel a bit more relaxed, more like a normal person I suppose. But I don’t know if this is worth it. It’s Latuda by the way.

I guess I can say I do feel more leveled out but still way sedated. My psychiatrist has taken over my pill meds for this. My doctor will be relieved. It’s like I should have more to say but sometimes there isn’t much to say. In therapy I mean. Sometimes there are awkward pauses and silence that should be filled with those little thoughts that scream out in my head. Or those ideas I think of at 3am for some reason.

I could tell her (lets call her Dr G) that sometimes I don’t know what I’m feeling. Its not that I can’t interpret it; it’s that I just am void of feelings. That other times other peoples feelings on tv that aren’t even real make me cry. Or would that make me sound crazy?

Therapy with Dr G has been hard but not at the same time. She’s been easy to talk to and pretty open to what I am and who I am as a person. She’s seemed to listen to my past and discuss things with me without prejudice. But I can’t read her. Dr G doesn’t give many things off. She doesn’t say much. I wish she would say more. I wonder what she would do if I asked her to say more or tell me something she feels about me. Or would she see the crazy in me?

Then there is this drug. It’s made me feel better no doubt. Not totally better. I’m still depressed. But I’m less up and down or at least longer stretches of time between top and bottom. A cost of being lethargic might be the down side though. We’ll see.

I worked 70 in the past two week which is quite a bit. 30 hours last week and 41 this week (had to put the 1 in there) so I’m pretty exhausted. That could just be it. I have three days off coming up now. I do however have planned chores tomorrow and Monday so those day are pretty well gone. Anyways. That’s all for now I suppose.

Something sucks

I just wanted to say manic enough to be too disorganized to get anything done and too immobilized by depression.

A beginning, an end and a difference.

My soul is a tortured one. I’m stuck. There are things I will never do, no matter how low I swing. If the only answer of the daily madness is to end it and I can’t end it where do I go? You mean to tell me that for the rest of my life I’ll be taking medications? That it’ll be trying to see how it feels inside everyday to see how bad something will happen. I have to watch my caffeine intake after 8pm or I’ll be up until 8am?! I’m 29 not 75.

How do you get outta this loop where one part makes you sad and when you start to feel better, you can, will and always feel too much and it knocks you back down.

It would be nice too if that when I was manic I had the good manic. And maybe that’ll get me some haters but good and bad mania are real and they exist. Bad mania is my friend. I get raged out. Pretty paranoid. Way more than usual antisocial and socially awkward. But the anger part is awful. Anger just eats at you all day. Everything makes you mad. It’s hard to deal with because you can’t escape from it. Then you wish it would swing low again until it does and you’d do anything to feel again. Every so often there is a cosmic alignment of some chemicals in my brain and I have what I called good mania. Good mania is when you’re that really social, self confident, smiley all around happy person. Then I can relax and it’s like, wow life is easy.

I mean, it’s pretty obvious the pattern and the problem. I have a dr appointment coming up so this is a pretty good. Plus I’ve been doing this thing when I type where I type and talk in my head and I think I’ve typed it only I’ll skip four or five words every so often.

Sigh. I started the first few lines of this post when I was super way depressed and as of right now I am so not. Wanted to make that clear. As if it wasn’t.

Still. It’s daunting. A life of doctors and medications and special considerations and basically a disability. One that directly affects my ability to have an effect on my world. It’s awful. I hate it. It’s hard to even type there’s hope. I know I couldn’t have typed it when I wrote the first like of this post so maybe next time it will be easier.