I made this “mistake”. I discovered Julien Baker. Her music is the opposite of what you should listen to if music triggers you in any way towards the negative side of life. Even if you’re totally manic, it’ll break that mania without slowing down or looking back. But I love it. It reaches into my chest and rips out my heart except slowly and gently. Just be careful if you check her stuff out. I’ll bet most of us have relatable experiences so no one is really safe.
Starting with what I would now call an “uptick” in my mood late last year, a peak in all of July and now at this point the subtle tugs of our dear old friend depression, this has been an enjoyable 10-11 months. At times in July I remember thinking, I don’t want this to ever change. Unfortunately things look like they have. I really felt happy. For the first time. I was slightly less burden with some of my baggage. I had gone through six months of DBT and had found some solace in my life. I was waking up looking for projects to tackle. And I would actually complete (most of) them! Really, life was great!!! I made connections with people I had considered work friends but not outside of work friends. I was letting myself be vulnerable! Told a couple people how much they meant to me in this world. Not overdoing it but trying to boost my social life and make meaningful relationships with meaningful people.
It all worked! I was dealing with negative feelings and interactions that would make me want to act on my old ways, unskillfully. Instead I was putting into practice what I had learned. I felt like I had a place somewhere. Almost whole.
Towards the end of August I noticed I was beginning to react to things very unskillfully, wondering where had all my “training” gone. What had I worked so hard to become and then watch myself as I threw it away? I had a therapy appointment today and I was super excited about it. I honestly always am – good or bad spot in my life. It was rough. One of the toughest I’ve had with almost 5 years continuous years of therapy. But I am glad I went. I learned a lot in those 50 minutes. I unfortunately watched my therapists heart break. She actually began to move towards me to comfort me when I started to cry. She didn’t though. She pulled herself back. But I know at the end of her day she’ll tell the other providers about it. I’ve seen people break in front of me. I’ve seen them snap. Not in this empathetic of a way though. I could tell, even though she’s probably not supposed to, she cares. It’s comforting. Unless that’s just some sort of reverse psychology tactic. Either way, it worked.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t want to be alone right now and at the moment this is the closest thing I have to having a conversation with anyone. I’m ok. I’m safe. I’m not hurting myself. Suicide isn’t there. Sure I wonder why god can’t just take me and I don’t want to be alive but no, I am not wanting or going to kill myself. Just wishing I could be having a face to face convo with someone. Ok. Enough rambling. ✌🏼❤️