WTF do you think?

This has probably been the worst year of my life to date. I say that with semi certainty because, a) I spent my 30th birthday alone, at a bar, b) I haven’t made any friendships or attempts at rekindling old ones, c) I am alone on Thanksgiving, d) I feel alone every day, e) I’ve lost a friendship for good that was a long term friend with a possibility for more…..I could go on but then again I’m pretty depressed I think. Therapy has been up and down, such as life has been. Some days are worse than others but mostly they’re all bad. I just don’t think my meds are working. If I’ve been taking them this long and nothing has gotten better really. Things have been ok. Barely passable I suppose but passable still. I think the expectation should be higher though for a medication. That I could have more functionality. If that makes any sense. My new doc says I’ve tried a lot but there are still a few I haven’t tried. It just sucks; knowing the process of going down then up and if it doesn’t work going down then back up and its just annoying. Any one who has gone through it knows.

I just really want it to all be over. Isn’t that terrible to write. But it’s like I just caught a glimpse of the future and I’d rather avoid it. It’s just gonna get worse. Everything will just get worse. And I’ll become an old miser long before my time, incapable of fun or pleasure. It seems I’ve forgotten how to have fun or be youthful and make friends. For Christ’s sake I work in a restaurant. You think I’d be socially inclined somewhat but I think I’m bound and determined to be the most socially awkward server ever. It is rather funny when you think about it. When I’m manic though I’m pretty perfect for the job so sometimes having a daily cycle shift can be a good thing. Or if my meds run low in my system.

I’m sure the future will hold better things for me. I hope it will so I’ll do what I’m asked by medical professionals. I see a shimmer off in the distance that might be hope. It might be something that will help me on the right path. But today it is just a shimmer. How to get by day by day though is rough. Not feeling much for long times of the day. Detached from the world due to my meds I guess. And it hurts to get by day by day like this. Pain is such an awful thing. It hurts in so many ways and you can respond to it emotionally in so many ways. It comes and goes as it pleases and twists deep or will just lightly tap you.

And then just like that it can pretend to be gone. It’s Thanksgiving and I’m alone. WTF do you think?

Put a lid on it (oh and I kinda made a word up)

Sometimes I think anyone who reads any of this garbage might think I spew out the quickest thing that comes to my mind. I say that because I read back and sometimes that’s how I feel a lot of this sounds. But I do sit here, at my desk, with joint in hand and some good trance usually, and try to formulate some sort of intelligible thoughts about whatever it is I’m trying to say.

These past few days off have been kinda bad I’d say. Seemingly more depressed than before, whereas I though I was improving and feeling just a bit better even. I had a lot more hope, even just two weeks ago but since then it has slightly diminished.

Maybe I need to make it a point to see my psychiatrist more than I have been. We try for every week but in the very least it has been every other week. This is one of those every other weeks. Could it be I shouldn’t be skipping a week yet?

I suppose this could be my medication. As I have mentioned several times I’ve been taking Latuda for bipolar depression (I also take Depakote and a daily sedative, several times a day). Recent;y, the last two weeks or so, my psychiatrist upped the dosage and I’m gonna bet that has something to do with how I’m feeling.

While Latuda has been proven most effective in helping schizophrenia it has shown promising but not concrete results for what I’m using it for, but has of course been cleared by the FDA for those purposes. One of the side effects is somnolence while another is insomnia. Once I reach past the strong desire to sleep in the evening times, or even at times taking a nap after being awake for just several hours I’m awake. Not just awake a little extra but like zing pow pop zip zap awake can’t stop me choo choo I’m a train and I’m coming but it’s 3am what can I really do so I sit here in a state of just utter confusion emophispsychitally, not knowing what to do and then you get that other side effect akathisia so you can’t do anything that involves sitting there but it’s 5am at this point and your life sucks so you try to numb yourself to it all I guess and fall half asleep but I dunno if you ever do…wow, and listen to me ramble.

And it just sucks feeling so alone in all this. I know I’m not. That in fact millions of other people go through similar episodes like I do. But I don’t have a good support system I guess is what it would come down to. There’s no one I can call at 3 in the morning to just talk to. There isn’t anyone around I could bother to smoke a bowl with. I can’t really go anywhere cuz anywhere is so far away. It’s just depressing is all. And it doesn’t make anything easier. Duh. I never though that sort of stuff could add to my cycling, that external forces could really do that but I suppose they can.

Oh boy, what a can of worms I’ve opened for myself tonight.

Or would that make me sound crazy?

This drug. I think it’s this drug. I feel so blah. I feel so plain. I mean I ‘m not angry all the time. I feel a bit more relaxed, more like a normal person I suppose. But I don’t know if this is worth it. It’s Latuda by the way.

I guess I can say I do feel more leveled out but still way sedated. My psychiatrist has taken over my pill meds for this. My doctor will be relieved. It’s like I should have more to say but sometimes there isn’t much to say. In therapy I mean. Sometimes there are awkward pauses and silence that should be filled with those little thoughts that scream out in my head. Or those ideas I think of at 3am for some reason.

I could tell her (lets call her Dr G) that sometimes I don’t know what I’m feeling. Its not that I can’t interpret it; it’s that I just am void of feelings. That other times other peoples feelings on tv that aren’t even real make me cry. Or would that make me sound crazy?

Therapy with Dr G has been hard but not at the same time. She’s been easy to talk to and pretty open to what I am and who I am as a person. She’s seemed to listen to my past and discuss things with me without prejudice. But I can’t read her. Dr G doesn’t give many things off. She doesn’t say much. I wish she would say more. I wonder what she would do if I asked her to say more or tell me something she feels about me. Or would she see the crazy in me?

Then there is this drug. It’s made me feel better no doubt. Not totally better. I’m still depressed. But I’m less up and down or at least longer stretches of time between top and bottom. A cost of being lethargic might be the down side though. We’ll see.

I worked 70 in the past two week which is quite a bit. 30 hours last week and 41 this week (had to put the 1 in there) so I’m pretty exhausted. That could just be it. I have three days off coming up now. I do however have planned chores tomorrow and Monday so those day are pretty well gone. Anyways. That’s all for now I suppose.

So, it’s like this….

Simply amazingly put!

bipolarblogging

I am Bipolar.

By illness is unique to me, just like every other person who is afflicted with this disease.  But there are features and characteristics that are shared that cross the uniqueness.  That’s why there can be a DMS and clinically accepted diagnostic criteria.  The way I experience living life being Bipolar is only understood by me, but in their own way others experience the same thing.

So what is that like?

Bipolar by definition means mood swings from one extreme to the other; behaviors that are polar opposites. It doesn’t mean that it’s a constant change one way to another though. In fact, most of the people I know spend much more time depressed than manic. The documentation also supports this as well. According to the DSM criteria you only have to have one identifiable manic episode to be diagnosed. So even being labeled as bipolar doesn’t mean…

View original post 1,207 more words

Oh Gosh; I’ve done it again.

Of course, I’ve gone and abandoned this when so much has happened. My mood now though make it hard to actually type and not misspell and construct sentences that make sense so please forgive me now.

I’ve been taking 40mg of Latuda for over a month and nothing too crazy has happened. I haven’t wound up nuts yet but there’s an itch. I’ve of course fallen into my deeper depression due to the time of the year and where I live (in the PNW so its dark by about 5pm right now). For someone who has problems sleeping you don’t get to see a lot of daylight this way. It’s saddening to thing about already.

I did find a psychiatrist though! I thought I made a post about that but I guess not. We’ve had a few sessions but she had just gotten my medical records before our last appointment so without being able to look and see what’s happened and gone on there hasn’t been much, what I would consider, progress. But I had a meeting with my regular doctor who my head doctor sent her notes to her already and she said it just looks like she was waiting for my records and being cautious which was good.

Sometimes I wonder which side of crazy is taking control at the moment and driving or if they share responsibility.